One of our biggest fears as parents is that our child will be sexually abused. The most difficult conversations I've had with parents over the years have been about sexual behaviors of their child or those that impacted their child. It took me a long time to start coming to the conversation from a place of seeing sexual behavior like all other behavior–on a spectrum from healthy to pathological. Most of the time, the sexual behavior we were seeing from students was in the range of normal, age-appropriate behavior.

In fact, a lot of behavior we label as "predatory" is actually quite normal. In 2009, the National Childhood Traumatic Stress Network put together this fact sheet outlining developmentally appropriate sexual behavior. This graphic from that fact sheet surprised me:

I want to emphasize that, while these behaviors are in the range of normal, showing these behaviors at school is still not appropriate. So, when something like a "playing doctor" situation arises, we talk to the children about keeping their private parts private.

Each year, we also invite the Metropolitan Organization to Counter Sexual Assault to come deliver their Project Aware presentation for all children in primary and elementary classes. We establish the following shared language:

Good Touch–a touch that is both wanted (we give permission) and is in a place other than those covered by a swimsuit;
Bad Touch–a touch that hurts us or we haven't given permission for – like a hit or a push; and
Confusing Touch–a touch that is in a part of our body covered by a swimsuit and it might feel good or bad. NO ONE has permission to touch these parts of our bodies except when our parents are helping us get clean or look at a health concern. Doctors and nurses can look at these parts of our bodies, when our parents are in the room and give permission.

Additionally, I think it is important to know that just because Tommy looking at Paul's private area is in the range of normal behavior for Tommy, it doesn't mean that Paul didn't experience this event as traumatic. Trauma is in the eye of the beholder. Paul may need some interventions to heal from this event.

As parents, we can help our children develop resilience by:

Utilizing the good touch, bad touch, confusing touch language to create a common vocabulary between school and home.
Utilize biological terms, so that there is no confusion if a child reports to a teacher or other adult. Use terms like labia, vagina, and penis, rather than coochie or other cute terms.
Speak kindly about your own body, setting a brilliant example for them and their relationship to their own bodies. (Reminds me of the social media story of the 12-year old girl who outgrew her ski pants and said her thighs were too powerful for those pants anymore!)
Allow them to choose whether or not to hug relatives. Bodily autonomy is key to safety.
When our child discloses an event, maintain a calm demeanor and believe them. Tell them thank you for telling you. They are very brave. Feel free to reach out to us for support. Also MOCSA has a support line at 816-531-0233.
Further guidance is available on MOCSA's website here.

Normal Sexual Development