The Third Plane of Development
The magic of development, so readily apparent in the first and second planes, is a hidden treasure in adolescence (the third plane of development).
I wish we could just watch a video of the development of adolescents. There is so much connection and pruning happening, the brain is lit up constantly. Their muscles and bones are experiencing rapid growth. They have cemented how the world works and why, and now they are introspective, wondering how they fit into everything. Their first considerations, from 12-15 years, about how they are accepted into the world subtly change into how they can adapt to the world, from 15-18 years.
What we actually see are adult-size “social newborns,” as Dr. Montessori calls them. Conversations are awkward and sometimes difficult. They are simultaneously seeking acceptance from and critical of adults. They are often tired and appear lazy. They isolate themselves a lot.
This gap between what we see and what’s actually happening makes it hard, then, for the adults in adolescents’ lives to be as compassionate and accepting of their learning processes (read: mistakes, missteps, misjudgments) as they are about younger childrens’. But this is a time when that compassion and empathy is absolutely necessary. There is an imbalance in brain development—in which the limbic system is far more developed than the prefrontal cortex—and the result is that adolescents are risk-takers by nature. Our availability to them means that we can guide them toward taking healthy risks, like trying out for the club volleyball team or performing a song at church or forging a new relationship.
As parents, we need to remember that our 12-18 year olds are yearning for independence, but we have to be the check on their risk-taking instincts. I think about when my oldest daughter received her cell phone and we didn’t place parameters on her. When the inevitable, “We need to check your cell phone” time came, she was justifiably angry. We hadn’t prepared her for that possibility. Her younger brother knows that we need to always be able to access his cell phone (so he is to share his passcodes with us) and that we can look through any digital communication he has. He doesn’t love that we look, from time to time, but he’s not caught off-guard, either. As his awareness of predatory behavior, bullying, etc has increased, we’ve had to look at his phone less and less.
Because they are spending so much time in introspection, we need to allow them time to be alone. This new self-awareness is exhausting and, coupled with brain and body growth, means that they need more sleep than they did when they were younger. That level of introspection also means that adolescents crave creative outlets. We should provide them as much access to whatever artistic endeavors they are comfortable pursuing.
One of the biggest surprises for me, as a guide, was that adolescents crave physical affection. It was often the case that middle school students would pile on top of each other and cuddle with one another while they were reading. At home, I had a rule that I would never let go of a hug first. When they were little, the hugs lasted a short time. As adolescents, my children often surprise me with how long they want to hug. Sometimes, it’s for several minutes. We need to allow them to have this physical affection and have it on their terms—both the initiation of the affection and the longevity of it.
Adolescence is as beautiful of a time in development as any other stage. As I watch them each morning, interacting with one another, I often wish I could give each adult the gift of seeing them as toddlers. Their toddles and mistakes look different, but are no less necessary to their development.